SO, sex happened, and it was fantastic, and one of these days I'm going to have to decide if she was his first total, or just since he started running. At any rate, amazing sex happened and in its wake, Fenris regained all his memories. Congrats, Hawke, you got so enthusiastic his life flashed before his eyes . . . XD So, all his memories. This was amazing! This was wonderful! He was so happy! And then he lost them again immediately, left with only the knowledge that for a moment he did remember, for a moment he knew everything . . . and now it's all gone again. And that freaked him out. That on top of finally realizing, due to his proximity to Hawke and his comfort with her there, that he loved her - it was all too much at once, he couldn't deal, and so he did what he always does when he can't deal: he ran the fuck away.
And he wanted her to hate him. He wanted her to leave him, because he couldn't ever really leave her. That, too, was scary; love is a form of bondage, and he never wanted to be bound again. And now he was. If she hated him, perhaps he could be freed from it . . . but he could never do it on his own. That's why he wore her favour and her crest. That's why he ran from her bed but stayed by her side.
He watched her flirtation with Anders and it hurt, but he had left her: what could he say? This was what he wanted . . . right? Right? He's still not sure what happened to cause the flirtation to stop, but it did, and he felt selfishly glad. Both because he loved her, and because he worried that Anders would wrap her up even further into his insanity.
Leandra's death was signifigant to Fenris. Mama Hawke had never treated him badly, even though he slept with her daughter, and then dumped her. She never looked down on him, and she even seemed to approve of him. He'd liked Leandra. And he knew the loss had to have hurt Hawke very badly. He couldn't do nothing, even though he had no idea what to do, so he visited her. And it was awkward, but he tried, he really did, because he loved her and he didn't want her to be alone. He knew what it was to be alone and all that! He half-expected her to just send him away,
When Hawke fought the Arishok, he was confident she could win - he would have suggested it had the Arishok not done so, and he would never have suggested something he truly thought would have brought her death. And then she won and became the Champion, and if he hadn't already known her, he would have run far, far away, because now she had magic, wealth, and political power. Terrifying. Make no mistake, he was frightened of her, of what she is, of what she could do. Frightened. As. Hell. But still, she's Hawke, and . . . he couldn't leave. Not Hawke.
So he stayed. And three more years passed, years in which he regretted ending what they had, in which he spent day after day thinking of what had happened, why he did what he did, what he would do if he just had another chance, if he could only go back and do it again. Years where Hawke never moved on to another, even though she had every right to.
And then his sister came to Kirkwall and all of Fenris' trap senses went off at once, and he turned to Hawke for help yet again. And it's a good thing he did, because had he been alone to face Danarius, Maker knows what would have happened! As it was, they triumphed, and when he would have killed his sister for her betrayal, Hawke stopped him. Commanded him to stop.
And he stopped.
This is why he was so angry when she came to see him, later. Not just because she gave him a command about something so personal, something that was his decision, but because he obeyed. This is why he was pacing and fuming. Was he truly free? Had he simply found a different master to follow, one who gave him the illusion of choice, an illusion of freedom? That is what he was thinking about as he paced. That, and how warm his heart felt when she reminded him that he wasn't alone, because she was there. How much that honestly helped the pain. How happy he was she would say that.
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And he wanted her to hate him. He wanted her to leave him, because he couldn't ever really leave her. That, too, was scary; love is a form of bondage, and he never wanted to be bound again. And now he was. If she hated him, perhaps he could be freed from it . . . but he could never do it on his own. That's why he wore her favour and her crest. That's why he ran from her bed but stayed by her side.
He watched her flirtation with Anders and it hurt, but he had left her: what could he say? This was what he wanted . . . right? Right? He's still not sure what happened to cause the flirtation to stop, but it did, and he felt selfishly glad. Both because he loved her, and because he worried that Anders would wrap her up even further into his insanity.
Leandra's death was signifigant to Fenris. Mama Hawke had never treated him badly, even though he slept with her daughter, and then dumped her. She never looked down on him, and she even seemed to approve of him. He'd liked Leandra. And he knew the loss had to have hurt Hawke very badly. He couldn't do nothing, even though he had no idea what to do, so he visited her. And it was awkward, but he tried, he really did, because he loved her and he didn't want her to be alone. He knew what it was to be alone and all that! He half-expected her to just send him away,
When Hawke fought the Arishok, he was confident she could win - he would have suggested it had the Arishok not done so, and he would never have suggested something he truly thought would have brought her death. And then she won and became the Champion, and if he hadn't already known her, he would have run far, far away, because now she had magic, wealth, and political power. Terrifying. Make no mistake, he was frightened of her, of what she is, of what she could do. Frightened. As. Hell. But still, she's Hawke, and . . . he couldn't leave. Not Hawke.
So he stayed. And three more years passed, years in which he regretted ending what they had, in which he spent day after day thinking of what had happened, why he did what he did, what he would do if he just had another chance, if he could only go back and do it again. Years where Hawke never moved on to another, even though she had every right to.
And then his sister came to Kirkwall and all of Fenris' trap senses went off at once, and he turned to Hawke for help yet again. And it's a good thing he did, because had he been alone to face Danarius, Maker knows what would have happened! As it was, they triumphed, and when he would have killed his sister for her betrayal, Hawke stopped him. Commanded him to stop.
And he stopped.
This is why he was so angry when she came to see him, later. Not just because she gave him a command about something so personal, something that was his decision, but because he obeyed. This is why he was pacing and fuming. Was he truly free? Had he simply found a different master to follow, one who gave him the illusion of choice, an illusion of freedom? That is what he was thinking about as he paced. That, and how warm his heart felt when she reminded him that he wasn't alone, because she was there. How much that honestly helped the pain. How happy he was she would say that.